Excerpt From A Story I May Never Write

“In the last 72 hours, I’ve been shot, stabbed, strangled, been accused of a murder I didn’t commit, committed a murder I haven’t been accused of; been robbed, beat up, robbed and beat up the people who robbed and beat up me; stowed away on a ship, staged a mutiny on said ship, accidentally sank said ship; swam three miles through shark-infested waters, been abducted by pirates, sold into servitude to a handsome landowner, seduced said landowner, stole his money and escaped servitude; somehow ended up filling in for the lead singer of The Screaming Manticores at their comeback reunion tour, got chased by a mob of angry fans because I can’t sing; got bit by a Pomeranian, and stubbed my toe.

But enough about me. How are you doing?”