Rules for Writing
You could never hope to write in a journal this fancy, unless you follow my writing rules.
I’ve seen writing rules floating around online recently, and I decided to use my expertise as an author and someone who has a Bachelor’s degree in English to tell you how to write. This is 100% serious and not at all a joke. (This is totally a joke)
1) If you don’t have the perfect writing implements, forget it. Do you really think you can write anything of worth with a #2 pencil and a spiral bound notebook you bought during a back-to-school sale for 39 cents? Don’t be a plebe. You can’t even start writing until you find a excellent pen and high quality paper. But hold on a minute—don’t get too cocky. That handcrafted leather journal is far too elegant for you to sully with your petty words. Your sheer hubris is appalling. Who the hell do you think you are, Bill bloody Shakespeare? Never ever write in your nice journals until you are an award-winning, bestselling, high-falutin’ author.
But what if you’re one of those newfangled writers who writes electronically? You think it’s good enough to use just any old word processing software or (Heaven forbid) write on your phone like some sort of mouth-breathing cretin? Get real. You need software with ALL the bells and whistles. You need them. Don’t question why—do you want to write good or not?
B) Be consistent.
3) Grammar, punctuation, spelling… chuck it in the “fuck it” bucket. Let your editor deal with that shit.
4) Some people will suggest you have “beta readers” to review your writing. Bull. Why have a beta reader when you can have an alpha reader, aka yourself? You know your writing best—if readers can’t understand what you’re saying, that’s on them.
5) Writing groups: should you join them? Yes! Other writers need to be inspired by your majestic prose. The only downside is you’ll be subjected to your fellow “writers’” drivel. Also, some arrogant fool may attempt to offer “constructive feedback”. Don’t listen to them. Stick your fingers in your ears and go “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Repeat until the offender shuts their facehole.
6) Eventually, you’ll want to publish your work. Send your manuscript to every publisher you can find, even if they don’t publish your genre. Especially then. They need to expand their horizons.
Don’t worry about a cover letter or pitching your work in any way. Just send an unsolicited email with your work attached and a simple message like “just read it, asshole.” You’re sure to be published soon.
7) And finally, remember that as an author, your main objective isn’t to enlighten or provoke or entertain— it’s to show everyone how awesome and intelligent you are. Now go out there and make words your bitch!