My boyfriend and I were discussing baby names, as his brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby. I love my boyfriend, but he had some bad names on his list. In response, I wrote this. My apologies to anyone who actually has these names. Also, no disrespect meant to actual babies with birth conditions.
Commercial Host: “Thousands of babies are born every day. Tragically, hundreds of them will be born with a debilitating condition known as OANS: Old-Ass Name Syndrome. Old-Ass Name Syndrome causes premature aging in babies.
Mom #1: “Everything appeared fine when our baby was born, but then we listed his name on his birth certificate as ‘Thaddeus’ and he went instantly from an infant to an 85 year old man. He’s drawing a pension now. He hasn’t even learned to walk and he’s already using a cane. The doctors say he’ll remain bald for the rest of his life.”
Dad#1: “We named our newborn ‘Al’ and suddenly he was 45 with a combover. He smokes five packs of cigarettes a day and works as a used car salesman. He goes out drinking every Wednesday with his bowling buddies.”
Host: “Yes, babies who were given old-ass names at birth, while they are legally still children, exhibit all the signs of old-ass people. ‘Archibald’ already has an investment portfolio and an ulcer. ‘Matilda’ is obsessed with crochet and Precious Moments figurines. And poor ‘Gertrude’ has already been eaten by her 37 cats. But there is a cure for OANS: give your baby a normal fucking name. It’s free and easy to do so. Won’t you save a baby from a dire fate by not giving them an old-ass name today?”