The Devil Went to New Albany
Wrote this early this morning because I couldn’t sleep. I got to thinking about the song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”, and what sort of contest I could win if I were challenged in such a way. This is what I came up with.
The Devil went to New Albany,
And it was quite a sight.
He was lookin’ for some mischief
‘Cause it was almost Halloween night.
He saw this woman Sarah
Overthinking at 3am,
Well he came right on up to her
And greeted her with “M’am.”
“You think you think much more than me,
But I’m the Father of Lies,
And makin’ up scenarios is my sorta expertize.
Now granted, you’re a Libra
And prone to indecision.
But overthinking everything? Well, that’s my whole division.
If you think you’ve thunk a lot
Then make a bet with me,
I’ll give to you a golden brain
For all the world to see.”
Sarah asked, “And if I lose?”
Devil said, “I get your soul.”
Sarah sighed and said “All right,
But I’ll go first, you know.”
The Devil acquiesced ‘cause he thought
This was an easy win.
Sarah took a deep breath and said
“Well, let me begin
…
“Ok, so if I win this competition, I get a golden brain. Is it like some sort of trophy, or will you somehow turn my brain to gold and I die instantly for my hubris? And if it is a trophy, how big is it? Is it some dinky little participation award-sized thing, or are we talking like the Stanley Cup? Wait, is the Stanley Cup actually that big? Better look it up. Ok yeah that’s pretty big, if in fact it is that size. But what would I do with it when I win?(Because I’m gonna win.) Do I just keep it in my house forever? Just another thing to clean? I don’t have room in my China cabinet, and I don’t have room in my bedroom, and I don’t have room in my garage. And even if I did have room in my garage, the overhead door doesn’t latch right and someone could steal it. I don’t have the money to get the garage door fixed right now. I guess I could sell the golden brain to pay for it. What’s the current price of gold? That’s pretty good, but if I sell it, then I won’t be able to put it in the garage and I won’t need to get the door fixed right away, although I’ll still have to do that eventually…And if I sell it, where will I sell it? On Facebook Marketplace? And have a bunch of assholes trying to lowball me into taking twenty dollars for it? I guess there’s always pawn shops, but they might ask too many questions. I mean, if this big ol’ golden brain weighs a ton, which it would, because gold is pretty heavy, the pawn shop owner is going to ask me where the hell I got all that gold, no pun intended. Am I supposed to say ‘funny you should phrase it like that because I actually won it in an overthinking contest with the literal Devil.’ Do you have a letter of provenance to prove its authenticity? But then who is going to trust a letter from the Devil? Let’s just assume for a moment that everyone agrees on your existence, which is a pretty big leap to begin with. You said it yourself; you’re the Father of Lies, so why would someone accept the veracity of your statement? And let’s say I find a shady enough pawn broker who’ll buy this offa me. Will they give me a fair price or try and cheat me? And if we do agree on a price, would the fact that I won the golden brain make any profit I gain from selling it taxable income? What tax form do you fill out for winnings from contests with supernatural beings? Is this going to put me on some FBI watch list because I suddenly have a shit ton of money from selling gold with a dubious method of acquisition?
…
Well by now, it was 6am
And the sun rose in its way,
But Sarah kept on talking,
Much to the Devil’s dismay.
The Devil yelled “Hell’s bells, take the damn thing!
I’m glad to be rid of it.
You done out thought me, now shut up
‘Cause I’m gonna split.”
And he disappeared with a whiff of brimstone
Leaving the golden brain.
Sarah said “Come on back
If you ever wanna try again.
I didn’t even think about the nature of the soul
And what it means to sell it
And all that rigmarole.”
Sarah shrugged.
“I guess I made the Devil pretty pissed.”
She looked down at the golden brain
And said “The fuck am I gonna do with this?”