The Omni Obscurotron and You!

This was written for a submission call and didn’t get selected. It needed to be seen, so here you go!

Congratulations on your purchase of the Omni Obscurotron! There’s lots of choices in the home robotics field, and we’re glad you chose us. We understand you have questions. Please refer to the following FAQ. If your question is not answered, then it sucks to be you, doesn’t it?

Q: What does the Obscurotron actually do?

A: The better question is what doesn’t it do? Here’s a non-comprehensive list of what it does not do:

            - Windows

            - Vacuuming

            - Laundry

            - Butt Stuff

            - Mondays

            - Drama

            - Cooking

            - Murder of Anyone Under 18

            - Bird Calls

            - Algebra Homework

Q: My Obscurotron is malfunctioning. How can I return it?

A: You cannot. It’s yours forever now. It loves you. Why would you get rid of it, after all it’s done for you? Attempting to return the Obscurotron triggers its fight or flight response, and buddy, it ain’t got wings.

Q: My Obscurotron is currently holding my family hostage. Should I give in to its demands or call the police?

A: Do not under any circumstances call the police. Omni cannot be held liable if you get the cops involved. The Obscurotron is programmed to be reasonable. Give it what it wants, and your family will be fine. Probably.

Q: HELP! Oh God, not the blades! AAAHHH!

A: LA LA LA, we can’t hear you! We’ll just assume you’re satisfied with your Obscurotron. If we don’t hear from you again, thanks for choosing Omni for your home robotic needs!